The Worst Thing You Can Say

“You signed up for this.”

“You volunteered for this.”

“You knew what you were getting into.”

I feel lucky that I live in a time in our country’s history when I truly feel like everyone stands behind our nation’s military. If I go anywhere in public in uniform, at least one person always thanks me for my service. And I 100% believe that they mean it. This is vastly different from the times of the Vietnam War where Soldiers came home to nothing and they were embarrassed of their profession as a Soldier.

And let me tell you, the Army has been a true blessing in my life. It brought me to my career as a Physician Assistant. It brought me to my husband. It brought me some of the strongest, most supportive women I know. Heck, the Army brought me to Germany and living there was an experience of a lifetime. 

But it certainly isn’t without some sacrifice. The big sacrifices are obvious: the deployments, the missed Christmases, birthdays and anniversaries. But the little sacrifices often go unnoticed. And honestly, I think that these little things can feel the most draining. Changing your much anticipated weekend plans on Thursday because you found out you’re going the field (aka training in the woods) starting Monday. Figuring out how where the dogs will go with you both go to a month long training at the same time. Planning when you can have a family around deployment schedule. 

And the worst is the mental angst of the unpredictability: are they going to station us together? is this mission actually going to happen? where are we going to move next? is my unit going to approve my leave to take a day off to be in a friend’s wedding? what day will I actually get home? 

“But you signed up for this.”

Yes. Yes I did. I signed up to serve our country and try to make a difference. 

And my spouse, yup he signed up for this too. He signed up for this when we said “I, do”. We both did. We signed up to follow each other around, to spend time apart, to support each other through the unpredictability. 

But you know what, just because you know something bad has a chance of happening doesn’t make it any easier to emotionally process it when it does. 

Just because I knew my husband and I would spend time apart doesn’t mean that I don’t break down when I find out I’m deploying.

And this doesn’t just apply to Soldiers. 

I’m not going to lie, as a single service member I used to get a little annoyed at all the credit we gave to the families. I mean I was the one sleeping on the ground, not showering, away from everyone and every place I loved. They still had the comfort of their own bed, comfort of their family and friends. 

But as a dual military couple I’ve experienced both sides. I’ve been the one who leaves, and I’ve been the one left. And let me tell you, it’s a lot harder to be the one who is left. 

And yes, they signed up for this. 

But that doesn’t make it any easier to wake up alone. It doesn’t make it easier to go through the day pretending that you don’t physically hurt from the pain of missing someone. That doesn’t mean they don’t over think any time they haven’t heard from their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/daughter/son in more than a few days. 

We signed up to serve our nation. We signed up to stand beside the person we love through thick and thin. And so in essence, I guess we signed up for everything that goes with that. But knowing that “this is what we signed up for” doesn’t make it easier, it doesn’t make the pain go away. And it doesn’t help us process bad news. 

And I promise you that most of the time, we’re the ones who use these words. I tell myself this. When I finally open up and explain to a friend that I’m that I’m having a tough time, I preface everything with “And I know I volunteered for this… but…”. I shouldn’t, but I do. Lots of times, I’m the one who says the worst thing ever to myself.

Next time your Soldier or their wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/mom/dad/sister/brother places the trust in you to tell you how hard it is, please don’t let these words cross your mind. And make sure these words don’t cross their mind either. They’re the worst things to hear. 

I love you. I support you. I’m here for you. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Talk to me. Let it out. I’ll help you get through this. It’s ok to feel. Lean on me for support. Call me when you can’t sleep. Here’s some Ben & Jerry’s. 

These things are better.